The danger of staying in a bad situation too long…
Joe, married for 15 years, is depressed and angry. He and his wife have been at war for 5 years. The last time they touched each other was 8 months ago. They have become unhappy roommates. They have two young children, 7 and 9 years of age. Joe doesn’t know what to do. On the one hand, he is desperately unhappy in his marriage. But on the other hand, he doesn’t want to upset his children’s life by divorce. He feels torn between his responsibility to himself and his sense of duty as a Dad.
Sadly, I hear scores of these stories every year. In my opinion, men and women often make one of two big mistakes in adult life (of course there are many more to make!). They either leave a bad situation (relationship or job) too quickly without making a consistent and persistent effort to make change. Or they stay in a bad situation way too long. Both choices can have big negative consequences.
In the first case, it is important to try to foster change in a relationship that was good (hopefully at first) but has become bad. Many times, with marriage counseling, couples can resolve their conflicts. In both cases, an adult can identify what they can do to make things better. Persistence is very important—it takes a long time to make behavioral change. Two good things can happen—circumstances can improve and adults can learn new coping skills. And if things don’t get better, at least they tried their best to make change.
But more often, I see adults who stay in bad situations way too long! Their relationship is dead as a doornail, but they don’t want to leave. The keep “hoping” that their partner will change. They don’t want to upset their children by instigating a major life change for them. They feel stuck. As time wears on they feel more and more depressed.
Once, a friend told me his story. His marriage had been dead for a long time and he coped with it by spending much of his time hiking. One day he was on top of a mountain, alone, in a cold wind. He felt a sense of deep loneliness and despair over his marriage. He thought about throwing himself off the peak! He realized that he needed to do something. He ended his relationship and did find love a few years later.
There are many reasons why men and women stay too long in bad relationships. There can be financial reasons, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, concern about children, fear of the unknown, concern about what family and friends will think, and hope that somehow, someway the other person will change.
Frequently adults talk to me about their concerns about how divorce might impact their children. I worry more about how growing up in an unhappy family will impact their kids as future adults. I see many adults who tell me that they wish their parents had divorced, they tell me–“My mother and father were miserable! They thought they had hidden their tension because they didn’t fight in front of us. But we could feel their resentment and sadness every day!”
When I point this out, adults respond—“But it will be so disruptive for my kids. It will be too painful for them!” Remember that in the span of life, childhood accounts for a relatively brief time. Of course we don’t want to cause our children pain today. But how will our choices impact them as adults?—hopefully they will have more than 60 years of adult life.
Sometimes men and women deal with long term marital discord by throwing themselves into marathon running, hobbies, or volunteer work. Or they drown their sorrows in alcohol abuse or extra marital affairs. In either case, they are trying to sweep their unhappiness under the rug—not a good idea.
What is important?
Have confidence in yourself and your children. Both of you can cope with change and make new opportunities out of adversity. Trust yourself and your kids.
Think about the long term. The goal of parenthood is to prepare your children for adult life. How are your decisions going to impact them as adults? It is hard to really fathom those little kids as adults.
Work to make change when you can. Change in relationships is hard to make. It takes time, consistent effort, and persistence. Don’t give up too soon!
Don’t let your fear stop you from taking action. Courageous adults are afraid too. But, they don’t let their fear stop them from taking action.
What do you think?
- Posted in: Relationships ♦ bad relationship ♦ divorce ♦ leaving ♦ marriage counseling ♦ staying together
Excellent topic.
I bet children can do much better with two happy homes instead of one sad one.
I spent 6 years with someone I didn’t love. After the first two years, I knew that this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I felt stuck, and it took the next four years for me to realize that it was NOT selfish of me to break it off with him for no reason other than, “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” It took two different people to convince me, separately, that sometimes it’s ok to worry about your own happiness over the happiness of others. I feel thankful every single day that I didn’t have kids with him! I am a very different person today than I was back then, and am in a very happy and fulfilling relationship, and would NEVER trade my life today for what I had back then – NO REGRETS!
Of the millions of decisions I have made in my life, I think two of the best ones I ever made that changed my future for the better was to leave a bad marriage and a bad job. Both times I had no idea what I was going to do next and it was messy at first. In the end, standing up for myself and trusting that I deserved better – even when I didn’t know what exactly that “better” was, made it all worth it.
Sometimes leaving is the right decision. Trust yourself and don’t worry what anyone else thinks. Life is too short!
For me its not about leaving the other half, its about family,the children and also think really hard about our live together as a whole or family. and I know its not easy, So far I made the right decision to stay and keep my family together. and I thank GOD everyday for what I have not what I dont have. thank you for this talk.
Oh man, did I need to read this today! I have been in a loveless relationship for many years but we have 2 teenagers so I have been “hanging on” thinking it would devastate my kids. I have been questioning my staying for the very reasons you listed (moslty, What am I teaching my children?). I know my kids feel the tension because they have said so. Time for me to move on and do what is right for my kids sake as well as my own!
Thank-you! I really feel like I was meant to read this post today. It’s hard to do what you think (or know) is best for yourself when you feel like you will be disappointing every person in your life. No one wants to hurt their kids, family, or friends but in the end we all need to keep ourselves happy too, right?
I have heard Dr. Phil say, “It is better to be FROM a broken home than to live in one”…..
THank you for the excellent article.
My teenage daughter and I were just talking the other day about how our culture has no important myths or stories which lend support or heroism to “the one who leaves someone because the relationship is wrong”; whereas we have COUNTLESS comforting stories and myths about the pain and martyrdom of “being left by the selfish one who didn’t love me”. I think this is a really important part of the picture of why so many people feel such hesitation in making the decision to get out and “be the bad guy”. We are trained to see such people as heartless and selfish, and to pour all of our concern and sympathy onto the “victim”. We need some new stories!
Absolutely!
Very timely article for me. I left my husband about a month ago after being miserable for two years. The first year and a half I tried and tried to get him to change, when he didn’t I finally took our young children and walked out. He begged and pleaded for another chance – promising the moon. I gave it to him, but in less than three months of coming home he was already going back to his old ways and when I would try to talk about it with him he had nothing but excuses as to why he couldn’t do it. After walking out again he says I didn’t give him enough time and gave up too fast. I gave him 2 years, it’s not my fault he only took me seriously the last 6 months. And by then it was really too late. I care about him a lot, but I don’t love him anymore. And I can’t let my guard down to let him back in if he’s going to keep doing what caused the issue in the first place. It was so hard to decide it was ok to leave. I have two toddlers and the idea of giving up any time with them was terrifying. I finally realized that I was not who I wanted to be for them. I can be a better mom for them if I’m happier than if I’m sticking it out in a bad relationship.
I’m not clear on why we would be encouraging people to re-marry if divorce is an option. I really wonder at why we marry at all. I know that my husband and I made the choice to marry for life – and marriage is very, very hard work. We are not the people we were when we met or when we married. But we are both completely committed to staying together and we both recognize that if either of us is unhappy then it will take work from both of us to turn that around. It seems like people don’t want to work through marriage issues – they want to “wait” and then eventually “walk.” What is the point of marriage vows if we cannot honor them?? Marriage matters. It really does. I met a teenager once who was shocked to learn that my parents were still married. . . she was shocked because none of her friends still had their original parents living together in the same home. How sad. People give up so easily on marriage when it gets hard. It’s really too bad that there is this “easy out” for people to just walk away and get divorced. Living in a difficult marriage is horrible – and sometimes there are very legitimate reasons to leave it – but those reasons are things like abuse or constant infidelity. If you don’t “feel close” anymore – do something about it. If you don’t “love” your spouse – take a look at what you used to love about them and rediscover that love. Stop giving up and walking away. Anything worth having is worth working for. A great marriage is a lot of work. A great marriage is completely worth having.
I think you are ignoring the fact that the only person we can work on is ourselves. It doesn’t matter how much “work” one person does if the other isn’t on board. I don’t think it’s easy for anyone to “just walk away and get divorced.” I have never met anyone who got divorced because it was the “easy out”. I think it’s weird and pointless to be so judgemental when you don’t know all the circumstances.
I totally agree with you!
What wonderful comments! Hope and courage, perseverance, self-care, love–and determining what is the right thing to do for you–and then doing it! These are the qualities that bring peace and well-being.